Happy Valentine’s Day: “Lovers” Mixtape Part 2

LL Cool J | “I Need Love”

Considered to be the first hip hop ballad, “I Need Love” showed a softer side to rap, paving the way for sap crooners like Drake (much to my dismay). Make no mistake, the song still swoons the ladies like it did in 1987.

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Get your rave on. “A Night At The 90s” Mixtape!

You can’t deny the temptation to jerk your neck and awkwardly dance whenever you hear the beat to any bitchin’ 90s-dance track. Dude, just chill out and get down to this mixtape that we put together which includes, like, the most rad rave songs from the 1990s.  Don’t you just love the over-exerted female vocals, heart-pounding base, wicked synths and random South African beats? We do! So grab a brewskie and download this mix, because it’s all that and a bag of chips.  We know you want an excuse for a high school-dance flashback.

Tracklist:

La Bouche | “Another Night Another Dream”

The Outhere Brothers | “Boom! Boom! Boom!”

No Mercy | “Where Do You Go”

N-Trance/Rod Stewart | “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”

Aquagen feat. Rozalla | “Everybody’s Free”

Snap | “Rhythm Is A Dancer”

Dee Lite | “Groove Is In The Heart”

Reel 2 Real | “I Like To Move It”

Culture Beat | “Mr. Vain”

Scatman John | “Scatman”

Corona | “Rhythm Of The Night”

Haddaway | “What Is Love”

Ace Of Base | “Beautiful Life”

Alice Deejay | “Better Off Alone”

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8 Cheesy Songs You Can’t Help But Sing To

You’re driving down the freeway, blasting the radio (probably because you’ve dropped your iPod 35 times and it has finally given up on life), and Robert Palmer’s “Addicted To Love” comes on. You reach for the dial, but realize you can’t change the station. Your hand will not allow it. The image of an all female band, dressed up in dominatrix business suits pops into your head, and before you know it, you’re singing along. “Might as well face it, you’re addicted…” to cheesy pop songs.

These my bitches.

It’s not your fault. You’ve just been hot-wired to let out a high-pitched squeal any time one of these cheese-tastic jams comes on at a party.

OMGZLLZZ!! This is my fucking jam!

It happens to the best of us. So here are a few more uber-cheesy tunes to help you get your douche on.

8. Tom Petty “Free Fallin'”

Within the first few strums of that acoustic guitar, you know it’s got to be Tom Petty‘s most cheesy song, ever. You proceed to close your eyes, lift your hands in the air, and sing like the big asshole you are.

Hippies: Responsible for all the worlds problems since 1967.

What you have to remind yourself is that this song is about a Valley Girl being dumped. Seriously, who the hell should care about this girl? She loves horses, her mom and Jesus. Sounds like every 6-year-old girl in the South.

...Or this dude.

But for some reason, Petty really makes you feel for her, or maybe it’s just because you love belting out “And I’m free, free fallin’!” I mean, it was cool enough for Chamillionaire to use as a sample, right? Though his version is less about a girl’s feelings and more about being a total pimp and layin’ the bitch-slap down on some haters.

7. Bonnie Tyler “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”

Forget that the video is a cross between Flash Dance, gay porn, and Village of the Damned. And that Bonnie Tyler’s voice sounds like Tommy Pickles, because you just got dumped and need to curl up with a bottle of Scotch, a gun, and Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart.”

Turn around, Bright Eyes. ::loads shotgun::

6. Boyz II Men “I’ll Make Love To You”

Mmmm, delicious 90’s slow jams. Is there anything better? Well, yes, there is. But no other song the 90’s came close to droppin’ them panties like Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You.” Granted, if you had the atrocious wardrobe from their music video, your fine lady would leave you alone with your candles, shag rug and shame.

Nothing says "Let's get nasty" like a Cardigan sweater-vest and a bow-tie.

5. Bon Jovi “Livin’ On A Prayer”

As much as people may hate Bon Jovi (except for New Jersey, who doesn’t really count any way, because, well, it’s New Jersey), it’s impossible not to pump your first and try to hit the high note on the second “Oh” in the chorus.

This guy knows what I'm talking about!

4. Haddaway “What Is Love”

Thanks to the Saturday Night Live sketch about raping women at a night club, which was later made a feature-length movie entitled Night At The Roxbury, Haddaway’s 90’s club hit gained superstardom, and the “bob your head to the right and smile like an idiot” dance move was born.

And if the craze hadn’t quite humped America into submission, Diet Pepsi brought it back for a 2008 Superbowl Commercial.

3. Def Leppard “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

Strip clubs and wet T-shirt contests wouldn’t be the same without Def Leppard’s jump into the hair-metal outfit. In fact, thanks to this song, people completely forgot that Def Leppard used to make decent music.

These guys used to rock. Seriously.

2. Chumbawamba “Tubthumping”

Who would have thought that a song entirely about getting shit-housed drunk, written by a group of British anarchists, would become a pop hit that would sweep the world… and then subsequently drop off the face of the Earth, never to be heard from again. They also had the most horrifying album cover of all time.

Jesus, braces are going to cost a fortune.

1. Journey “Don’t Stop Believing”

I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for any bar in America to not have this song on their jukebox, punishable by a frat-boy beatdown.

Journey is the best band EVER!!!

I’d like to imagine that after Neal Schon and Steve Perry wrote “Don’t Stop Believing,” they were forced to sell their souls to the Devil in order for it to be a hit. I mean, even Perry’s beautifully feathered mullet couldn’t have been enough to take this cheese-fest of a song to the top of the charts.

Never stare directly at the mullet, for it will consume your soul.